Xander turned the big 1-3 this past weekend. Dedicated Reman U readers may remember him as the “The Worm Beckoner”, or “The Rubix Cube Solver”. But to me he’ll always just be my baby. As the youngest, even within our blended family, he’s a little spoiled, a lot loved, and mostly just plain funny. 

I wasn’t expecting some major transition at the stroke of midnight, or that he would sprout a mustache and develop a baritone voice upon waking. While birthdays are momentous to me, there is no delusion that a celebratory day instantaneously transforms a boy into a man. While entering the teenage years promises to bring its own set of milestones, I was thrilled just to see the attempt to defeat his giant tomahawk ribeye. Big steak for a big birthday. 

As I tucked him in last night (he still lets me, and I’ll take it as long as he allows it), he was struggling getting his mounds of blankets in the proper position. I asked him, “what ever happened to making your bed”? Apparently that’s not included in his weekly allowance and should be an extra. But his real reason hit me, “You tuck me in and make it right, so what’s the point”. 

I acknowledged that I was enabling his laziness, and then my next sentence prompted a note to myself to write this very article. 

“Enabling is disabling. I am happy to help, but I will not do it for you”.

With that, I will not yet leave him to his own devices when it comes to bed making. Pillow cases are tricky, getting that bottom sheet tucked just right is always a struggle to ensure it won’t peel up in the middle night, and that comforter placement is a real chore when maneuvering around piles of oversized stuffed animals. 

Someday I won’t be there to make his bed or tuck him in at night but by helping, rather than doing, I am teaching him basic life skills that will hopefully carry on into adulthood. 

As leaders, teachers, and trainers, you have likely been faced with a situation where you had to make a choice regarding a difficult task. Do you chose to:

1. Guide and assist: A true learning opportunity. Taking a greener member of the team and exposing them to a new challenge prepares them to become more independent and to grow into a valued member of the organization. The task will likely take longer as it is your responsibility to ensure they grasp the concept and understand the reasoning behind the decisions that are being made. Nurturing newer or less experienced team members builds a foundation for good habits, process adherence, and allows for feedback in the moment. The skills gained during the training, shadowing and mentoring phase will carry on throughout their career with your company. I may never win the “top sheet” argument, but at least he knows it exists. 
2. Delegate: As a seasoned leader, it can be difficult to relinquish control. You have the years under your belt, you may have even created the play book. You have the inborn talent that allows you tackle even the most daunting projects. The time you invested guiding and growing your team is coming to fruition. Time has come to hand over the reins and let your people show you what they can accomplish without your hand to hold. While the steps may not mirror exactly yours, acknowledge that there may be more than one version of success. Provide feedback, review the work that has been completed, and maintain an open line of communication to allow for continued growth. While the battle of the order of blankets persists, the bed still gets made. It’s not always how you get there, but the end result that matters.

1. Do it yourself: I myself have been scolded (not too harshly) for being a working leader. Years of self-reflection and investing the energy to grow a resourceful and responsible team has allowed me to step back, just not out. I find value is walking the trenches, experiencing first hand what reality looks like to those on the front line. I can only lead, if I have previously walked the same path. While I have been able to take considerable steps back and allow the teams to work autonomously there are times when a fire brews in my belly and the only right answer is to jump in head first. There are situations that require immediate action from one with the experience that no amount of training can compare to. We are at the point that bed making should be an independent task, however those sheet corners continue to win the battle, and nothing short of sheer strength and determination can overcome that. 

As each day passes, both for my son and for our teams, it is imperative to ensure the foundation is built, good habits are created, and that the doors of communication remain open. 

As independence increases, the daily need for your knowledge and insight will diminish. That is success, you have created an autonomous, valuable team member that likely trusts you enough to still seek your expertise when the occasion arises. 

I say the same to my kids as I do my team, “My doors are always open, I am here when you need me, but I trust you to do the right thing, make the best choices, and be true to the values you were instilled with”. 

Also, “Make your bed, it starts the day off with success”.